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The World
Aug. 30th, 2007
10:28 pm - myspace 7
just realized . . .
Current mood: discontent
my life is going to get a hella lot more dramatic.
FUCK
so what do i do in response to this realization???
I DANCE ALONE IN MY ROOM!!
And we'll all float on, ok
And we'll all float on, ok
And we'll all float on, ok
And we'll all float on, alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on
Currently listening :
Good News For People Who Love Bad News
By Modest Mouse
Release date: 06 April, 2004
10:29 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 15, 2005 - Thursday
In a relationship
Current mood: happy
Has anyone else noticed at the top left hand corner of the webpage when you're posting a new blog it says "Post a new Blog Entry"??? That doesn't make any grammatical sense, if it's a title "new" should be capitalized, if it isn't a title "Blog Entry" shouldn't.
Sorry, I noticed and it bothered me. So yeah, I'm going out with Cody. As of yesterday, and you know what? He puts up with my weird little rants about things like grammer abuse on myspace. . . . He puts up with all the weird little things I do. He even acts like he enjoys it.
This week has been odd. I lost all sense of responsibilty. . . . any I might have had at all. Gone. Monday I slept until 3:00 and then sat on the computer and rotted all day. Literally, I didn't go to bed Monday night. Around 4:30 Tuesday morning Cody gets online and we talk on aim forever. Like wow forever. 9ish rolls around and I decide I don't want to go to work. At all. Ever again, I hate J.C. Penny and I never want to go back. So I quit and Cody drives all the way up to me to take me back down all the way to Carlsbad. We go to his house and watch Harry Potter, I must say I have never felt so awkardly comfortable with a guy. I wirte my research paper and we go to bed. I have never been so happy in bed. Just sleep. He held me all night. It was heartwarmingly, fufillingly nice. I loved it. Sleeping with him was like after being away from home for 3 weeks, and the last week is just really shitty, and I come home and my bed is made and I get to just curl up with my lion and just enjoy letting my lion make everything better, and I'm home again.
I should have gone to class the next day. Yeah for my final. I missed the train. lol. So went to the beach and got ice cream and went to his house. Completely intending on taking a nap, instead we bit and tickled each other and then each dropped half a pill. We talked and talked and talked through our roll. He kissed me and we talked and somehow, mutually, no one really asked, but we got together.
I left today. I'm so happy.
I drove today. Jorge is a terrible driver. I felt safer in the car driving then with him driving. I don't feel any better about driving at all though.
Currently listening :
So Jealous
By Tegan and Sara
Release date: 14 September, 2004
7:14 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 12, 2005 - Monday
I like bloging
Current mood: contemplative
In other words I have nothing to write about, but I feel like writing. This is kinda a disclaimer. I notice a lot of people, or just a few people who look at it a lot, read my blog. I don't mind, I mean if I wanted the entries to be private I'd make them that way, I just don't want anyone complaining about my mindless drivel. Trust me this will be mindless.
Ava was here in my house and I wasn't. She was here to see me and missed me. I could have seen her and didn't. I haven't gotten over feeling numb about it. I know once the numbnes goes away I will scream.
I cleaned a little today. Stupid really I should have been writing my research paper. I should be writing it now. I think after I finish clearing my head I'll clean again for about an hour, then pull an all nighter and write the stupid thing. I love doing homework at night, even if it isn't the day before the homework is due.
I love Tegan and Sara. I love them dearly they're so good. I wonder what I did with their cd. I'm listening to Don't confess. i love the words. They're the indie-female bob dylan. ok no they aren't. but fuck they're good.
I finally took a break. I didn't go to any parties or do any drugs, other then weed last weekend. I spent the weekend with Jessyca and Mike and I must say had I not been with them I'd be very sad today. I still am kinda sad. I lvoe parties. I'm kinda confused though, I don't know if I was invited to Ryan's party. He invited me and cancelled it. Then had it anyway and I knew he was going to have it and I was invited, but not by him, by Cody and Grendel. Apparently Sunshine was in charge of inviting people and she has my number, so I don't think I was really invited. I'm sure it would have been okay if I showed up, but I don't think I was wanted. That sucks ass. Especially from Ryan, we talk. Like we actually talk it's not like "oh yeah I've seen you on ravelinks" we talk on the phone every now and then and we used to message each other on myspace like crazy. I mean hell he asked me to be his midnight kiss at TAO. I don't know why I feel so left out here. I didn't want to go anyway. I needed a break and I was really sick. I'm still sick, just not really sick anymore. Plus I'm glad I took the break, being away from the party scene really made me miss it. After missing it so much this weekend is going to be great. I couldn't have picked a better weekend to take off. I'm going to Scott's ever so exculsive house party Friday and it's going to sick. Apparently Scott has crazy rich parents who are leaving and letting them use their mansion to throw a party in. . . . and I mean he does lighting for raves professionally, so you know the lighting is going to be great, and he got dj's to spin for it. so yeah basically it's going to be a sick ass mini rave inside a mansion. wow. take that ryan i'm still cool enough to be invited to cool parties!! lol i'll probably see ryan there. The only problem with the whole thing is it's 18 and over so I'm going to be the youngest one there. That's barely a problem. Oh and after Scott's kickass party I'm going to Rock n Energy with Grendel and Anthony. We'll probably spend Sunday recovering and rolling together again. Fun fun.
I think it's pretty clear why I can't just drop all this for Nicole. I know when I didn't agree to quit to keep her I threw up like 40 warning signs to everyone. But when we were friends we didn't spend anytime together. Yeah half that is my fault, but she did a way better job at finding other people to hang out with. She only called me when she was bored and CeeJ wasn't around. CeeJ replaced me way before Nicole dropped me, there's a million signs, especially if you know Nicole like I do. Now with raves I have so many friends. Scratch that, I've always had friends. I mean friends that I actually like, friends that I feel comfortable with. And then I go to more raves and meet more people. I love it. It's not about the drugs. If it was, I'd quit immediately. It's that I love my new friends and I love going to raves and dancing my ass off with my new friends and it just so happens that drugs run rampant at raves and they're fun to do and I know if I go to every rave sober, eventually I won't like them as much. And then I won't see my friends too often and I'll never seee my best friend because I never did anyway and I'll go back to being alone and hating the world. I don't know why I care so much. I don't like her. I never liked her. I just started loving and caring about her. But ask me to hang out with her on a daily basis, I'd lose my mind. I don't know anyone as mean as she is. The things she says. . . . She makes fun of people, not even nicely, people she doesn't know well, people who it obviously hurts. . . . sometimes the shit she says to them makes me want to cry. . . I should have dropped her the second she said she only talked to pretty people. If I wasn't so in love with the world when she did I would have. I think I might be glad it's over. Relieved.
My dog doesn't like me anymore. yay! I'm really just glad I never had to beat it.
I'm horny. Somehow I'm only horny when I can't get any. Oh well probably saved me from a million stds. But it's terrible. Everytime I touch myself anywhere I get the chills everywhere. and I'm wearing gym shorts with no underwear so they rub a little and I get . . . .
I wonder howmany of the people at raves have stds . . . .Probably a lot, we ravers share our germs, otherwise I wouldn't be so sick, we probably share stds as well.
i just called myself a raver.
i've never done anything like that before. i'm a label. i guess i never fit into anything like this before.
i know i have an odd, overthinking brain.
Currently listening :
So Jealous
By Tegan and Sara
Release date: 14 September, 2004
6:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 11, 2005 - Sunday
Tired
Current mood: tired
Just got home from 5 days at Jessyca's house. Somehow the 5 days don't feel like 5 days, just 1 really long day filled with lot's of sleep.
It's amazing how much can happen while you're gone, if you're gone for 5 days. I came home and both the doors were locked, bolted. I climbed in through my window. My room is half clean. Odd, it would be scary if my mom hadn't been complaining about how dirty it was the last time I saw her. Finally, the dog is gone. Or at least I haven't seen it yet. Either it's gone or it's in my mom's room and finally got over it's doggy infatctuation with me. Both would be good, however I must admit the former is perferable. I hate small dogs.
I'm so tired of feeling guilty.
I feel like I'd do anything to fix what I've done and just be able to erase the guilt.
Instead I smoke weed and miss work.
I was never the one calling me smart.
Currently listening :
Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits
By Bob Dylan
Release date: 01 June, 1999
7:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 6, 2005 - Tuesday
I just lost my best friend
Current mood: rejected
After what 5 years? 5 of the most confusing years of my life. 5 years full of threats of this. Just yesterday I was saying that we have always known we should stop being friends but we never could. Now I guess we have. Wow.
Currently listening :
Discover a Lovelier You
By The Pernice Brothers
Release date: 14 June, 2005
8:47 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I hate being sick
Current mood: sick
it feels ucky. i can't breathe through my nose. i can't taste my food. and my sinuses are so stuffed up it hurts if you even touch them. ugh.
damn you cody. now all because of you i want to you down to the parties. i think i'll go and just not roll. and if i do roll it'll be a mini-roll like i'll only take half a pill. eh well this all depends on whether or not i get a ride. antyone want to drive me down there?
Currently listening :
Motion Sickness
By Bright Eyes
Release date: 17 November, 2005
3:19 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 5, 2005 - Monday
Candyflippin with a bunk pill isn't fun. . . .
Current mood: drained
Shrooming it at the beach however is!!!
Saturday night fucking sucked. I won't elaborate but with the exception of the 2 hours I spent with the candy kid who took care of me during my acid trip the whole night fucking sucked. Acid makes me sad and paranoid. I thought no one liked me.
Sunday was way better. Shrooms are wicked fun. Especially at the beach with Marshall and Elemya. Especially Elemya. I've never seen anyone make friends with birds before.
I'm taking a break though and this time I mean it. This week, today, monady to sunday no drugs, no parties. I've been raving every weekend except for 1, where I was at a house party/mini-rave since monster massive. That's 6 weeks, 6 raves, 1 house party, 8 times rolling. I've heard people brag about doing this and I'm still a fucking noob. Well not really. I guess I'm part of the scene. The point is after Saturday and Sunday all the drugs. It's just a red flag. I need to slow down. My drug use went as follows this weekend. Friday 2 lines of tweak, lot's of weed with Steez, Saturday more weed with Steez, 1 bunk pill, 2 hits of acid, Sunday, shrooms a few hits of weed, 1 whole pill swallowed, fraction of a pill snorted, (left me completely floored) and finally a vicodin to ease the pain brought on from the comedown.
I deserve a fucking break.
So even though going down to Oceanside Friday to party at Johnny's house and then go to Ryan's house for FrostE the Snowman sounds extremly tempting. Really it does, I love my RL friends. . . I need a break.
I'll see you guys at Raverday.
11:24 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
December 1, 2005 - Thursday
you weren't home
Current mood: less giddy
you're brothers a dick. he used to talk to me, he's like the only friend i have who i could talk to about harry potter. he was the only one who cared that i saw it before him.now i call and it goes like this
"hi is nicole there?"
"nope"
"oh, uh. . "
"bye"
"oh bye"
see!! you're brother's mean!!!!!
but it's okay becuase i found a new love
long jeans with high heels!! pumps that is.
i look tall!!!! i'm going to buy all my jeans long now!!!
Currently listening :
Laced With Romance
By The Ponys
Release date: 02 March, 2004
4:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
i love being alive
Current mood: giddy
and i love you even if you're not perfect
and i love myspace, because it connects me with you even if it's addicting
and i love blogging because it's fun, even if my last 2 entries were somehow destroyed and you never got to read my entry about being sick and sleeping over nicole's house or my entry about it being steez's birthday and missing ava terribly.
and most of all i love nicole!!!!!!
and i don't say it as often as i should. and i don't act like it. ever. well sometimes.
i'm the worst best friend ever!
but i love you!
and i swear to god i'm not on drugs.
well i am, but i'm sober right now.
and after i finish writing this and checking to see if it even shows up i'm going to call you.
and if you're home and not busy i'm going to your house because i don't hang out with you often enough.
and then i'm sleeping over again, or i'm bringing you here and you're sleeping over.
but you probably won't feel like the walk so i'll probably sleep over there.
and i'll bring you my architecture in helsinki cds so you can put them in your comp.
and you'll be happy becasue you appreciate good music. sometimes.
i miss you!
ok i'm done writing
i only love you cause you look like me!!!!!
Currently listening :
Laced With Romance
By The Ponys
Release date: 02 March, 2004
3:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
November 20, 2005 - Sunday
I want to be held
anyone?
goodnight everyone.
9:24 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
10:23 pm - myspace 5
home | mail | rss | sign out
February 11, 2006 - Saturday
Ugh
Current mood: annoyed
So I finally spend a Saturday night at home, because I truely am tired and in need of sleep.
So what happens?
Neighbors of some sort throw a fucking loud ass party, blazing their crappy spanish music.
Don't they know there's a rapist loose?
I should say fuck it and hop on the buss and rave it up.
Except I really am tired, and there's a fucking rapist on the loose.
6:48 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
rapists
Current mood: scared
So today I was walking home from the bus stop and I pass by a house about half a block away from my house. The guy who lives there is really nice, I've known him since I was a little girl, he used to give me candy, anyways every time I see him we say hi. Today he calls me over to tell me there's a rapist out prowling for girls. Apparently on Tuesday the guy came up to a girl on her way to school in a Honda Accord and tried pull her into the car. A woman heard the girl screaming and ran over pulled the girl back out of the car. He literally pointed to the house this happened in front of. It's about 5 houses down and across the street from me.
He's a seriel rapists. Cops are already after him for raping 3 girls.
Now he's driving around Garfield looking for someone to take.
My mom gave me a flyer with his picture.
I don't think I'll be walking around much.
Scary scary.
I wish I still had my pepper spray.
3:04 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
February 6, 2006 - Monday
Happy Birthday Chi!
Current mood: crushed
Yes I talk to myself!
lol. Yay for me!! It's my birthday!
Ugh. 19 sounds so old. I hate it already.
Currently listening :
5 Songs
By The Decemberists
Release date: 04 March, 2003
10:22 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Random, random random
Current mood: excited
THIS IS HELLA COOL!!!!
So yesterday, while dropping Lacie off at some guys Elden's house Lacie asks Grendel and I if we're going to the house party on the 18th.
Grendel "No, I'm going to be out of town"
Me "Where are you going?"
Grendel "Oh San Francisco"
Me " I wanna go!"
Grendel "You are going"
Me "Yay!"
Grendel "Yeah you're meeting me up there"
Me "What?'
Grendel "You're going with Maria and Venessa"
Me "What? Really?"
Grendel "Yeah, they told me."
Me "Oh"
So I messaged my girlfriend, and she confirmed.
NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING!!!!
I'm so excited. I love SF and now I'm going to rave there!!
Gosh I'm so excited, I'm going to go a rave and I'm not going to know any of the people there!! It'll be like my first rave, all over again!!
So I'm not going to rave this weekend and I'm going to drink scary amounts of orange juice and I'm going to ask Grendel if I can take some 5 htp pills and hopefully by the time I'm in SF I'll have gotten my roll back where it used to be and I'll roll mad balls with 1 pill again.
I'm so glad I didn't roll at Mari Gras.
I love acid.
Oh and apparently, according to Grendel, he's sure of it. I have broncitus. I thought I had broncitus way back in Decemeber so it makes sense. I do have the hacking cough. Grendel says I even cough in my sleep. He says that's why I hae dark circles under my eyes, I'm sleep deprived, because while I sleep I cough and it wakes up my brain. . . . but not me.
Since today is the last day I have insurance and I'm stuck at Grendel's I can't see a docter about this. I'm going to qut smoking everything until I'm better. I guess this means I won't see Anthony for a while. And I'm going to check out WebMD for home remedies and use them. And maybe I'll ask Grendel for the antibiotics Amy gave him. I think they're for me anyway. Oh another funny story.
Amy "Are you crying?"
Me "No, why?"
Kliff "I think she's just sick"
Me "Oh yeah, I've been sick since Nightmare"
Kliff "Have you seen a docter?"
Me "No"
Amy "Want some antibiotics? I have some"
Me "No that's okay, I don't like taking medicine"
*Me does a bump a k*
lol well off I go I gotta find a cure for my broncitus.
Too bad I don't talk to Nicole, she gets broncitus all the time, she'd know what to do.
I'M GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!
YAY!!
7:09 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
February 2, 2006 - Thursday
Fuck Censorship
Current mood: lazy
Ok so I found out how to make a preferred list. You have to go to each persons profile and click "add to prefered list"
Fuck that. I am way too lazy to ever attempt such a thing.
So I'm going to go back and make all the private entries public.
And if stupid people get confused again I'll deal with it again.
But the more I think about it, the more I think that was probably a rare occurance.
Currently listening :
The Execution of All Things
By Rilo Kiley
Release date: 08 October, 2002
12:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
February 1, 2006 - Wednesday
6 days until my b-day
Current mood: good
So Maria asked me out at Irave and I said yes.
Yay I have a girlfriend! A super hott, super smart, super cool girlfriend.
I guess I can't say I'm straight anymore.
Anthony and I talked again. About us. I think we have everything settled. I'm at his house.
And, January's over. Yay!
6 days until I'm 19. Yay!
Currently listening :
Urban Legend
By T.I.
Release date: 30 November, 2004
1:12 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
January 26, 2006 - Thursday
I've changed
Current mood: happy
Looking at me 6 monthes ago and looking at me now, well I'm almost a completely different person.
I like it.
A lot.
I'm a lot happier, I'm a lot less nice and I'm way less likely to put up with anyone's shit.
I'm a bit sluttier, but also way less likely to sleep with someone I don't want to out of guilt.
I'm much less judgemental of others and way less caring about what people think of me.
I read less, I'm also less afraid of dealing with reality.
I actually like the friends I hang out with.
I dance more.
Currently listening :
Laced With Romance
By The Ponys
Release date: 02 March, 2004
9:59 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
January 25, 2006 - Wednesday
Censorship
Current mood: content
I know I can talk a lot of shit. And I usually do it through some kind of journal or blog. I try to leaves names out as much as I can but due to recent, humourous accusations I'm not sure that's enough anymore.
I went back through my blog, all the way to the end, and made every entry seemingly insulting private.
I'm going to create a prefered listed. I have an idea of who wants to be on it, but really, chances are, I won't know to put you on unless you ask. So let me know here or message me if you would like to be included on the list.
I'm still not going to be using names. I will try to be discreet when I talk about others, and I will never disclose anyone's secrets, whether they're names are used or not.
I don't even have to know you to add you.
I'm not doing this for privacy, I just don't want to deal with simpleminded people's comments.
This is, of course, once I figure out how to make a preferred list. . .
10:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
January 24, 2006 - Tuesday
Hella fucked up
Current mood: amused
So I found the worst picture of me ever ever taken.
Photograph
It was on nocturnalrampage, it's from Shake. I don't remember it being taken, it was probably while I was in a k hole.
Currently listening :
Hell Yeah
By HorrorPops
Release date: 10 February, 2004
3:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I think I'm crazy
Current mood: faded
Like I belong in a mental institute. . . .
Only no one has been able to determine why yet. . . .so no one is going to do anything about it.
I think I have anxiety and dependency issues.
Or maybe I've just been smoking too much weed the last couple of days. , , ,
I think I might have burned my lip. . .
Sep. 14th, 2006
07:54 pm
I saw my therapist for the first time in over a year again today.
It was surreal, too routine, it's amazing how much time can go by, how different you believe things have become and how abruptly you realize that things don't change, they go on without you, waiting patiently, apathetically, for your return.
I put on make up, cute clothes, determined to go in there not looking like an 18 year old year, still in High School. I wanted to feel like I've grown and things are different, even if they aren't. And then, I noticed how much they aren't. On the way up, stressing because she worried I had made us late, my mom remembered she hadn't written the check yet. I found her checkbook for her and she wrote it during redlights on the way up, like we'd done for every visit. Except this time neither of us could remember his first name, and it was $145 today, prices have gone up. Remarkably.
We got there 10 mintutes early, and my mom laughed about how she shouldn't have stressed, again. She parked in the parking lot, again and gave me the same plea, again, "work with him, work hard." I promised, and thought about how much money this is costing her. Got out of the car, and walked alone to the building. Walked through the door, right next to Sharon's office, my parent's financial advisor, noted that I knew it was her office and realized how much things don't change and stepped into the elevator, remembering the back wall of the elevator was going to be a mirror, smiling because I don't like the mirror, especially after my sessions.
The elevator door closes, I look at the buttons, and suddenly I remember that I don't remember what floor he is on. It never even occured to me that I might not know. I get back out and check the board downstairs. 3rd floor and his name is Stewart.
Going up I brace myself. His office is strange, the elevator door opens and immediately your in his waiting room.The waiting room is huge, dressed up like my grandmother's living room. Rose pink walls, floral couches, an old-people fashioned coffee table, a small old-people people fashioned bookcase, dimly lit by lamps on old fashioned lamp tables, in the center of the room is a large table that serves as a desk where his receptionist sits.
I don't recongnize her, don't expect to, in all my visits I only saw one recpetionist more then once. But they're all the same, older, about the age of my mother, sometimes grandmother, and sweetly patronizing. I give her my name, the time of my appointment and she calls Bell for me. Immediately I go over to bookcase, I already have a book with me, The Bell Jar ironically, but I have to see. It's the same, 3 or 4 copies of the Book of Mormon, some books on psycology I'm more then sure no one reads and a book, the very same book I was reading when I saw him, while waiting, never finished it, it was called Synanon:(something here.) About a rehab center for heroin addicts in Venice that actually worked. It was so reassuring, so very reassuring to see that book there. Like a hug I can't explain, and I don't even know why.
Bell comes out and we go back to his office. I tell him about my breakdowns, about my not cutting, about ending my drug use, about why I think my breakdowns get so very bad. I tell him about the army, about the raves and the drugs and about Chad.
He asks about the drugs. What drugs, how much and how long. I tell him, honestly. It was hard, I told him about meth and how badly I wanted it sometimes and how disgusted with it I am. He asks me what I think my future will be like if I keep on using drugs. I don't say it, I don't want to be the girl Bob Dylan is singing in in "Like a Rolling Stone." I told him I don't think about the future, I think about the now and now I am grossed out by what meth does to me, does to my skin, does to my breathing, my hygeine, my head, me. He tells me about a friend of his who went to San Diego to do a study on autopsies and finds out that every parent who murders their child was on drugs when it happened. I kinda shrugged and went back to the I-only-care-about-me thing, but then I thought later about post-mardoym depression. Whatever.
He asks about Chad. Where we met, what he does for a living, and finally, does he do drugs? I tell him, my job, then coffee shop and art teacher, and then only a little bit of weed. How much is a little bit? A little bit at night to help him sleep.
He tells me he thinks I'm serious about wanting to be clean and the only way most people ever are really able to be clean is through a 12 step program, like NA. I tell him I don't want to do NA and about Chad thinking if I go to NA then I'll only be able to establish better connections. He tells me Chad opinion doesn't count because he is on drugs himself and that if I ever want to be clean I have to break off connections with people who do drugs, (obviously why I shouldn't go to NA right?) people like Chad. I say Chad doesn't do drugs, except a little bit weed, he says that's a big except. That weed ruins your life and it's probably why Chad is working at a coffee shop and not doing something substantial with his life, that he blames everyone else for his problems. I tell him how much he doesn't know, that Chad doesn't want "something substantial" he's not interested in making money, he wants to create, be an artist and a musician and not have to worry about some stupid job. He smiles at me like I'm some cute little battered wife in denial. But he agrees to wait and see if I can stay clean without NA and with Chad, and to discuss later, if I fuck up.
I have an appointment for Tuesday. Not sure how I'm getting there.
Pisses me off. Only one session and he already wants to throw me into a room of drug addicts and break me up with my boyfriend. Half the time it's Chad keeping me clean, knowing how disgusted Chad would be if I relapsed. But Bell doesn't know that. Bell didn't ask.
It makes me wonder. Wonder if he's really that good? I pulled up an old livejournal entry I wrote while on the pills he prescribed, I don't think they were doing much good. Lookie
Jun. 14th, 2005
03:32 pm [private post]
Hmmm . . . what to say? Very recently I learned something about myself. I was a lot happier when I was depressed. Isn't that ironic? My endless emptiness has been filled with something much worse. There's no substance there but the little white pills have expanded. They've expanded into foam. Packaging foam. I'm filled completely but it's with no emotion. Outside I'm a cardboard box, inside I'm foam. They've filled me with foam to protect what's left of me during my trip to recovery. What the pain hasn't eaten away. Too bad they don't know there's nothing left to protect.
I liked everything better when I was depressed. I wasn't sad, no one irritated me because I couldn't listen to them for more than 20 seconds at a time. I just wandered around in my, as i put it to my dear doctor, "apathetic boredom." Now I've left my boredom for a lack of feeling and increased irritability. The only plus is that I'm able to read books again, I've got my attention span back, but what good is it? I don't have the time to read. I have homework to do. Walls to strip. Invitations to send. Adresses to find. I don't hav eany time for books. Does the world disgust me or do I disgust myself? Truely i think it's both. Turner swears to me that I'm not that bad, that there's so mny who are worse them me that are crueller than me. That I'm awesome for not being worse with what's happened to me. If there is so much worse then me how bad is the world? Why would anyone want to be here? The thought alone makes me want to repent. An eternity here? I wish Shanna Cambell was still here. I want to be her.
I can't wait til graduation. If I didn't have so much work to graduate I'd quit going to school now and just wait until graduation. Speaking of work. Bye bye.
Current Mood: [mood icon] blah
Current Music: not telling
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3 weeks later I joined the Army. Wasn't in the right state of mind for such a decision. Obviously.
If I wasn't on Wellbutin would I have done it? Would I have done it if he was a better therapist? Can I blame him for such a stupid decision I MADE? No of course not.
But he wanted to get me on pills during my first session. And they weren't very good. And now he's recomending all this, and I KNOW, KNOW he's wrong. So is he as qualified as I think? Will he do more harm then good?
I wonder. And know I need therapy. And think I'm screwed not matter what I do.
